50 Ways To Say “I Love You”
1. “If my heart were a baked potato, I’d serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.”
2. “Your terrible personality isn’t so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, it’s not
as terrible as everyone says.”
3. “I’d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.”
4. “I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the
same way.”
5. “The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After
I stopped laughing, I thought, “I’m the same way when you don’t call when you say you will.”
6. “I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn’t run screaming. So there.”
7. “Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.”
8. “Umm… like… you and me? Yeah. You and me.”
9. “You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.”
10. “You are the hole in my donut.”
11. “I am the pork, you are the beans.”
12. “You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.”
13. “You are my personal parachute.”
14. “If you were a margarita, I’d drink you by the bucket.”
15. “I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.”
16. “If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I’d lean against the far wall, stare at you, and
hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.”
17. “I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.”
18. “I’ll still want to have sex with you even when you’re old, fat, and ugly.”
19. “You had me at ‘Stop following me’.”
20. “Your farts smell like vanilla.”
21. “We’re a two person chain gang.”
22. ““I am valedictorian of the University of You.”
23. “If you needed a kidney transplant, I’d also throw in a bonus lung.”
24. “The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts
to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.”
25. “You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.”
26. “While you’re in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in
this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.”
27. “You suck! So good.”
28. “If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I’d gladly disguise myself, infiltrate
a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.”
29. “When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and
obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That’s like
you.”
30. “We are totally codependent and I don’t want it any other way.”
31. “This is the “happily ever after” part of the damn fairy tale, dig?”
32. “If you were a handful of genital crabs, I’d never change my underwear.”
33. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t see other people. I’m just saying I’ll chase whoever you
see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.”
34. “I am your blank check. Don’t bounce me.”
35. “Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.”
36. “If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, I’d
feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.”
37. “If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer
park then I’d be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.”
38. “You’re such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let’s forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.”
39. “If I was smart, I’d follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.”
40. “Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper… I’d
also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.”
41. I wrote you a poem: “You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you’re the hottest babe in sight/Come
home with me so I don’t get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.”
42. “I’m a grown up and just face the facts that you’re my security blanket.”
43. “You don’t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie.
Let’s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.”
44. “Not only would I die for you, I’d bitch slap Satan a good one, too.”
45.“Look: you’re the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I’ll clean my shotgun.”
46. “I’m a junky for your instant messages.”
47. “I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising
on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isn’t that just strange?
I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.”
48. “You’re my best and only naked friend.”
49. “I’d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.”
50. “Let’s set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow… wasn’t
that just like lame movie Reality Bites? You’ve never seen it? It’s awesome… in a totally stupid way.”
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's
a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow,
and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this
a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17.
Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one
like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24.
You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you
one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All
right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this
won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation
shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh,
I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the
ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53.
Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the
puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why
bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
